Len, 80, and Joyce, 75, live in the Boston area and have been dating for more than 10 years. Len, who was widowed after 44 years, says his wife's illness stifled intimacy for the last part of his marriage. But when he kissed Joyce goodnight after their first date, "it woke something up in both of us."
"We're hot stuff together," he gushes.
Sam, 66, after first being married and then in a 30-year relationship with a man, is currently single and dating four different men in Chicago. He's careful to practice safe sex and has come to love the variety. "I doubt if I could be with one person again. The freedom of sex and dating is so much more when you're over 60," he says, but in the next breath admits that he hasn't given up on finding a good romantic relationship.
Elissa, who is just shy of 60 years old, has been widowed since 2003. She lives alone in Daly City, California and meets new potential suitors online and through activities she enjoys, such as bird watching and volunteering as an usher at classical concerts. She laments the absence of speed dating as an option for people her age.
Welcome to the new sexual revolution.
Even if you missed out on the Summer of Love in ‘67, you can still step aboard this train. It's a slower, subtler ride, but as researchers and people over 60 are discovering, one that's absolutely worth our while.
As it turns out, intimacy and lovemaking aren't really so different than they were in our youth. What changes most is our motivation—and the way sex for the older crowd is perceived.
No longer consumed with finding Mr. or Mrs. Right and having a family, older folks are finding that sex can actually feel more connected and fulfilling with age. And although society at large has yet to fully embrace the notion of older people as sexual beings, a seismic shift is underway.
Whether it's the sheer number of boomers walking the planet, or a more universal change in our collective view of what it means to age, both the media and the hallowed halls of research are beginning to acknowledge that there is indeed life—and yes, yes, YES!—great sex after 60.
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Hey! These guys are actually having sex!
Over the past few years, what seems like a barrage of studies and books covering every imaginable aspect of elder sex has hit the streets. Almost weekly, a new article or blog entry appears touting the fact that older folks are still doing it—and often.
Last summer, The New England Journal of Medicine published a University of Chicago study considered to be the most comprehensive national survey yet of sexual behavior among older adults. It included a representative group of more than 3,000 Americans, ages 57 to 85, who provided detailed descriptions of their sexual activities.
According to the study, most Americans remain sexually active well into their 60s, and nearly half continue to have sex regularly into their early 70s. Financed partly by the National Institutes of Health, the study found that 84 percent of men between the ages of 57 to 64 reported having had sex with another person in the last year, compared with 62 percent of women in the same age group. In people ages 75 and older, those numbers dropped to 38 percent and 17 percent respectively.
Edward Laumann, leading authority on the sociology of sexuality, editor of Sex, Love, and Health in America, and contributor to the study says, "Life expectancy in the late 1800s was about 45 years old, so it was likely you'd be dead before your sex life went to hell. We are now learning that without question, sexual well-being is a key part of aging."
Historically, Americans from midlife to old age have been largely ignored in sex research, from the famed Kinsey reports of the 1940s and 1950s to the work of Masters and Johnson in the late 1960s and 1970s. That's been to our own detriment. "To not consider sex at all ages is to be disrespectful of an important aspect of who we are as human beings," says Dr. Julia Heiman, Director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction in Bloomington, Indiana.
When it comes to preventing disease and maintaining good health, Heiman says, it's important to know about older people's sexuality and preferences. In fact, the potential consequences of not knowing can be staggering. "If we had known more about sexuality and sexual decision-making before the onset of HIV, we may have been able to prevent much of the spread of this disease," Heiman says.
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The secrecy of sex
With so many people living longer and more healthfully, why shouldn't their sex lives continue as well? And why are we so squeamish when it comes to admitting that they do?
"Most people don't want to think about their parents having sex. And their grandparents... well, forget it," says Jane Juska, 74, author of A Round-Heeled Woman and Unaccompanied Women.
It seems that in our culture, grandparents are good for three things: playing with grandchildren, tinkering in the garage, and baking cookies. And somehow, no matter how old we get, we as a society never seem to grow out of this. "Sex is not a terribly aesthetic thing," Juska says. "We don't want to imagine ourselves being old, or having sex, or possibly both."
Interestingly, many older folks aren't any more comfortable with the idea than are their younger counterparts. According to Juska, most 60-plus circles don't spend a lot of time talking about sex. "Health ailments usually trump anything else," she says. "People of my generation have missed out on an important conversation that could have helped all of us."
Juska experienced this chilly absence of discussion firsthand when she "came out" about her first book, A Round-Heeled Woman, during a reunion of old friends. The memoir is an account of her romantic and sexual adventures which began after she placed a personal in the New York Review of Books. The ad began: "Before I turn 67, I would like to have a lot of sex with a man I like." Juska was then a semi-retired English teacher living in Berkeley, California, who was relatively happy with her life except that "it didn't have any touching in it."
The announcement of her new book to her friends was met with an uncomfortable silence, until a woman crisply announced how long and how happily she had been married to her husband. "I definitely lost friends as a result," Juska says.
Len, the Boston man in love with Joyce, agrees that talking about sex is off limits for many of his friends. "My generation wasn't very bohemian," he explains. "Sex wasn't part of the conversation. It was much more private than it should have been."
Elissa also finds it hard to open up about sex and relationships with most women her age. A self-described "curvy gal" with glowing skin and a booming laugh, she says she confides in one close girlfriend about her love life, but that's it. Many of her other friends simply prefer to change the subject. "I hear a lot of older women say that they don't want to date or have sex. They've been hurt in the past and are closed off to being vulnerable," she says.
The difficulty that many elders have in discussing their sex lives with close friends speaks volumes about our society's general awkwardness around sex. Fortunately, such attitudes seem to be changing. At the very least, we seem to be warming up to the idea of elder public displays of affection. Dr. Heiman says she's witnessed a greater number of older couples holding hands and paying attention to each other in public. "I'm noticing an affectionate connection that others are allowed to see," she says.
Joani Blank, age 70, author of Still Doing It: Men and Women Over 60 Write About Their Sexuality and founder of Good Vibrations, San Francisco purveyor of sex toys and sex education, says, "I think in general, the range of people's comfort with sexuality has gotten increasingly more liberal." Still, she believes there are plenty of people of all ages who may as well be living in the closeted age of the 1950s in terms of their sex life.
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Sex over 60 in the media
We passed a significant milestone last fall when HBO viewers witnessed the first elder orgasm broadcast on mainstream media. Tell Me You Love Me is a new dramatic series that revolves around the lives of fictional couples in three different stages of life and their therapist, Dr. May Foster, played by Jane Alexander.
The show is chock full of raw, toe-curling moments of bold and unapologetic intimacy—including steamy lovemaking scenes between May and her husband Arthur (David Selby, 67). In an unusual twist, it is May's relationship with Arthur that is shown to be the most loving and solid in comparison with the couples she counsels.
"May and Arthur are on the other side of it," explains creator and executive producer Cynthia Mort. "One thing I find particularly damaging is how we never see older people in a sexual relationship. I wanted to see what's waiting for us."
Mort was thrilled that Alexander, 68, wanted to play the part of May. "We [as a society] think people over age 40 are limited in their value," she says. "This is bullshit. There is no one stronger than Jane. When she walks into a room, there is not a person who isn't affected by her presence." She adds, "That could only happen with someone who has lived. You're not going to be affected by a 23-year-old—I don't care how hot she is."
Considering that the new commercials for Dove's "Pro-Age" product line featuring women over 50 "wearing nothing more than a smile" were recently banned in the United States for reasons of indecency, this is groundbreaking stuff. We've gone from the complete absence of showing older folks as sexual beings in the media, to portraying a woman who's nearly 70 years old getting down onscreen—with some action shots that would surely make U.S. television censors blush.
Even Jane Fonda is reportedly jumping on board. According to the World Entertainment News Network, the 70-year-old actress wants to make an erotic film to prove that elderly couples still have active and fulfilling sex lives. More proof that, sexually speaking, it ain't over ‘til it's over.
The "eeew" factor
Not everyone has found cause to celebrate a more liberated media. "The only couple [portrayed in Tell Me You Love Me] that seems to be having sex is the much older one. I find watching them very offensive," one incensed HBO subscriber huffed on an official member forum. She promised she would be canceling her subscription as a result.
In the words of another viewer, this time on av.club.com: "Hey, old folks screwing! Kind of cool, and kind of ... eewww."
To those who blanche at the idea of senior sex, Joan Price, 64, asks, "At what age do you plan to retire your genitals? Can you tell me the month and year?" Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty, subscribes to what she calls "ageless sexuality."
"For a long time, society has seen aging people as sexless and pathetic," Price says. "And if they're not sexless, then they're icky and ludicrous. I'm doing my part to change this perception." Her book addresses both the practical (what to do about painful intercourse) and the provocative (real-life stories of threesomes and other sexual entanglements).
"Sexuality is so much a part of who we are and how we explore intimacy with a partner, or even alone," says Price. She likens giving up sex at a certain age to dancers being told to quit dancing on their 50th birthdays. "Why should we?" Price asks. "Maybe the dance steps will feel a little different, but that doesn't mean we need to stop."
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Back to the dating game
It's no surprise that a huge part of maintaining sexual relationships in our golden years hinges on being in a solid relationship. But many women outlive their spouses, and, as a result are less likely to have a steady partner. "By age 70, 70 percent of women are without a partner, compared to only 35 percent of men," says Laumann. "There's a big gender story here."
The University of Chicago study found that women were significantly less likely than men to report being sexually active after age 57. "It's hard to find partners if you are an older person," Blank says, who admits she sometimes feels discouraged about finding a sweetheart herself.
Added to the scarcity of eligible men is society's constant pressure to look young. Despite Helen Mirren's hot and much-blogged-about show of décolletage at last year's Oscar's, as well as commonplace labels like "silver fox" and "cougar," young is still sexy and sexy is still young. Period.
"Do I want a mirror in my bedroom? No. Do I love my wrinkles and my flab? No. I hate them, but I have them," says Blank. She believes that in our society, older people are considered sexual only if they adopt a youthful attitude, wear youthful clothing, and do whatever they can to make their faces and bodies look anything but old. "It's all young, young, young," she says.
All this pressure to not look your age is enough to make any woman over 60 skittish about dating—especially when taking the plunge online, where so much of your cache hinges on looks.
"It takes an enormous amount of hutspa to put yourself out there as a candidate for intimacy," says Juska, who chooses not to enlist the help of sites like Match. com because of their photo requirement. "It's not easy, no matter what age you are. But it does get harder the older you get. The venues just aren't available. A lot of older men are dead. And the ones who aren't have other, younger choices."
Take for example Peter, a 69-year-old psychotherapist living in Berkeley, California. Recently divorced and single after 29 years of marriage, Peter wondered if women would be attracted to him when he first ventured out on Craig's List personals. He was "shocked and amazed" when a woman twelve years his junior wanted to have sex on the first date.
Blank, a Match.com charter member and Internet dating veteran, believes online dating doesn't really work for most older women, even though many, herself included, skim a few years off their age. "Once in a while in men's profiles, it will say 18-99 for age preference, but that's not a choice. The vast majority of men want to meet women five to 15 years younger," she says.
No stranger to personal ads, Elissa met her husband of 21 years through the Bay Area Guardian personals. After he died in 2003, she began posting ads on several dating sites. She says she uses recent photos and is honest about her age and what she's looking for: a relationship that is intimate emotionally and physically. Even though she's had some success meeting men, including several sex partners, she has a hard time imagining herself having sex at age 65 or 70. "I might be too old," she confides. "I don't have any role models for this."
Better than ever?
In spite of these obstacles, many older men and women also report feeling more self-confident, self-accepting, and content with their lives-all of which can make sex more fulfilling. Almost 60 and a fan of lipstick and lacey lingerie, Elissa says, "I'm not ashamed of my wrinkles or gray hair. It's about being comfortable with who you are."
In fact, sex has the potential to be just as satisfying, or even more so, as it was in one's youth. "We're no longer concerned with the perfect act," says Heiman. "We are less demanding of one another. We realize life has limits, and we have limited time."
And there's the benefit of having had plenty of practice. "If you have a longer sexual history, it's possible to get really good at it," says Juska, adding her own personal testimony. "The man I'm with now is fabulous. He's had 50 years of a sex life and has used them well."
Price circles back to Tell Me You Love Me as a prime example of how sex can be not just different, but better in old age. On the show, the younger couples are often shown as having rushed and unsatisfying sex, while the older couple (Alexander and Selby) make love more slowly, with plenty of cuddling and affection. "Within that context, they are having good sex," she says. True to life, Selby's character has a bad back, just like Price's husband. "It's beautiful to see this portrayed realistically and lovingly," Price says. "Let's just accept that sex is part of life for all of us."
Price, who openly describes sex with her new husband, age 71, as "spicy" adds, "If we can be open to seeing our sexuality as something that is ever developing rather than going downhill because it's not the same as when we were 20, then we can keep some blush on our cheeks."
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Thanks a lot, Viagra
Price goes on to relate a joke told to her by a male friend: "What's the difference between fear and panic? Fear is the first time you can't get it up twice. Panic is the second time you can't get it up once."
According to Edward Laumann from the University of Chicago, erectile dysfunction increases by 7 percent every year after age 40. This means that by the time most men reach their early eighties, nearly 44 percent will experience erectile problems. And while drugs like Viagra and Cialis have helped many men overcome erection problems, the ubiquity of these drugs has put the spotlight on penis-vagina sex as the crown jewel.
But for women, regardless of their age, sex isn't just about the in and out. "A woman's source of pleasure is her clitoris, not how hard the guy is," Price says. "Men need to still understand how much pleasure they can give a woman with their fingers and tongue."
The issues don't stop there. The thinning of the vaginal lining that occurs after menopause can make penetration uncomfortable for a woman, no matter how much lubrication she uses. And there are physical ailments—arthritis, aching hips—that can get in the way. "I have crappy knees," Blank says, which can make certain positions uncomfortable.
Another fact of life is that as we age, both men and women often need more intense sensation to reach orgasm. "There are many women who find that intercourse or manual or oral stimulation with a partner doesn't get them over the hump anymore," says Price. She recommends the Eroscillator, which offers strong vibration in a slim, lightweight package.
It's comforting to know just about everyone experiences a sexual slump now and then. Nearly half of those in the University of Chicago study who were sexually active reported at least one sexual problem, with 43 percent of women reporting diminished desire and 39 percent vaginal dryness, and with 37 percent of men reporting erectile difficulties.
Sadly, only about a third of the men and a fifth of the women had discussed sex with a doctor since age 50.
In reality, there are few resources that elders can turn to when it comes to questions and concerns about sex. "It's about time we woke up and recognized the importance of sexuality in our later years in terms of our emotional, social, and physical health," says Dr. Robert Butler, president of the International Longevity Center and co-author of The New Love and Sex After 60. He and Laumann both believe health care professionals need more education so they can feel more comfortable discussing sex with their older patients.
And it's not just about the bedroom. Sexual dysfunction may serve as an early warning sign of other health issues, including depression, thyroid disorders, and heart disease. In turn, many medications can have negative side affects on a healthy sex life. "This is an argument for a more holistic approach and understanding of the relationship between sex and health at any age," Laumann says.
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Down to business
For elders who still want an active sex life, taking some of the emphasis off penetration—and therefore performance—can make room for other equally satisfying, and in some cases perhaps more pleasurable and intimate forms of sex. Thankfully for everyone, masturbation, oral sex, shared hand jobs, and the use of sex toys aren't age-restricted activities.
Working on your relationship helps, too—but don't forget your individuality. "A lot of couples, regardless of their age, have established emotional intimacy. Over time, it can trump the sexual part," says Emily Morse, creator of Sex With Emily, a multimedia radio show. She recommends trying to maintain a sense of separateness—cultivating individual hobbies and interests—because "sharing everything is not conducive to having lots of good sex." She's also a proponent of scheduling regular date nights. She cites her mom and stepfather, both in their 70s, who've made Saturday their night for romance for more than 20 years.
The longer couples wait to get back in the saddle, the more challenging "having lots of good sex" can be. But by making sex a priority, it's possible to relearn this kind of intimacy. "Go back to what it felt like to be on your first date," Morse says. "Your body remembers even if your mind doesn't. It's about figuring out how to reconnect those two things."
And if you don't have a partner? "The sex we have with ourselves is going to be the most consistent," says author Betty Dodson. "If you can provide your own orgasm and be your own best lover, that's your sexual security."
Nicknamed the "Mother of Masturbation" for her open exploration and teachings surrounding self-pleasure for women, Dodson continues to be sexually active at age 77. Having a long-time younger lover, now in his early thirties, is just one of the ways she challenges the existing stereotype that older women can't or shouldn't be sexual.
The tough-love sexpert advises older women that when it comes to sex, they need to "lighten up, be more experimental, and not have the same expectations they did when they were looking for a husband." In other words, "Don't walk into [a new relationship] like a goddamn teenager," she says.
With so many people over 60 who are widowed, divorced, single, and dating, most of the more traditional "rules" go out the window. "We can either continue to hang on to the ones we know: ‘Man asks a woman out, kisses her, asks her to marry him.' Or we make up our own rules and become a free-floating piece in the cosmos," says Jane Juska. For her the rules may have changed, but falling in love is the same at age 16, 66, or 72.
A gift from the gods
There's no doubt we've made progress in jumpstarting this much-needed dialogue. The flurry of studies, books, and articles not only prove that elders do have active and fulfilling sex lives, they are also helping to empower older folks to get back at it. "If we are lucky, we are going to get old. So let's enjoy it," says TV producer Mort.
That's what Len is doing at age 80. Of his loving relationship with Joyce and their ability to talk openly about sex he says, "I've been enlightened. I don't need to feel bashful about asking for something that makes me feel good. This is a gift from the gods."