Coffee Breaks and Reality Checks
A long-distance caregiving commute nearly drove Carol Marak over the edge. Here's how she coped.
By Laurie Herr
Monday, February 04, 2008
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The founder and CEO of WorkingCaregiver.com, Carol Marak spent five years caring for her parents—first for her mother, who suffered from congestive heart failure, and later for her dad, who had Alzheimer’s. Distance made it tough. One of four siblings, Marak lived the farthest away—125 miles from her parents’ home near Waco, Texas. Yet she made the drive regularly—at least a weekend each month, sometimes more—to give her siblings a break from the constant cooking and household chores. When her father finally had to be moved to a nursing home, the care became “all hands on,” Marak says. “He literally could do nothing for himself.”
Marak wanted to give her sisters a respite, but she knew the frequent trips were taking their toll. “During the last year of my dad’s life, I was feeling like I couldn’t make the drive one more time,” she says. “It was getting to me, tedious and nagging. I couldn’t walk into his room because the nursing home was depressing, and it sorely reminded me of our poor planning.”
What she did: As her father’s health declined, Marak began to look for ways to make the time more enjoyable for them both. So she went back in time with him, following conversations wherever his mind led them. “I entered his world,” she says. “We talked about where the heifers were [on the old family farm], where his mom and dad must be. I tried to make it fun for him.”
She also sought out fellow caregivers. “Even a coffee break where I could talk with people going through the same thing would help,” she recalls.
And she hit the gym, attending Spinning class three or four times a week. “Afterward I’d feel relieved,” she says. The stress wasn’t in my body anymore.”
What she learned: “We started too late in terms of being prepared. You need to become prepared now. Have the talk with your parents. Ask them, ‘How do you see me participating as you age?’ Don’t wait until you’re dealing with a senior event or emergency.”
Also, don’t forget the occasional reality check. “I often had to remind myself, ‘I’m doing the best that I can,’” Marak says.
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